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Carlyrose
just want happiness
Hi, I'm back to LJ after a year and a half.
I'm relapsing with anorexia but I'm trying to fight it. I'm still trying to lose weight but just like 20 lbs ( 9 kg ) and I'm 145 lb 5"8.5 ( 174 cm ) . Not going back to my lowest weight of 87 - 94 lb. ( 39 - 42 kg )
I've just got out of hospital - was in there for 6 weeks with suicidal idealiation and self harm. I badly cut my thighs and wrists not so bad. I was in a recovery house ( respite ) for 3 weeks after hospital but wasn't discharged from hospital until last week.
At the moment I'm living in my new flat but I really need to quit smoking and have less caffeine.
I only started smoking after being smoke free for 6 months. It's hard because my flatmate smokes.
Better go now.
Got to go out go meet an old school friend and then see my care manager.
xx

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Current Location: New Zealand,
Current Mood: blah blah

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carlyrose89
I've had a bit of a breakthrough today because I talked to my therapist about just wanting to harm myself to feel better and she really helped me. I still feel like self harming but I feel stronger about not doing it also. I told her how depressed I've been since I got back from my leave home on Christmas Day and that I'm desperate to do something that will make me feel better...in my case it seems like losing weight or self harm are the only options.

She asked me when the last time I felt happy was and it took me like 15 minutes to remember..it was when I was 16 ( I'm 23 now ) and my eating wasn't so disordered and I did dragonboating. The wharf in my city in beautiful and it was Summer when we did it ( my school peers and I ) I remember being so happy sitting in the boat, in the sun, exercising but having fun and having cool water splash me to help with the heat. It was awesome. Anyway, I'm just hoping I can find some happy and healthy experiences like this again.

Why I said in my subject that I feel exposed is I talked in group therapy about all 5 of my rapes today. I feel so disgusting. I said way too much in front of like 14 people. I got told that I beat myself up too much and the nurse sounded like she was angry with me. I hope I don't have to talk about it again.

Anyway sorry about the rant...
Hope you're having a good day!

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Current Location: hospital
Current Mood: average

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carlyrose89
I'm stuck in an awful hospital where we do group therapy all day. I'm so sick of being here. I've been here 9 months and been in hospital for the majority of the last 5 years. I just want to leave. I'm sick of people telling me that I need to be here - I could manage okay in the real world now because I've made heaps of progress. I did ruin my progress 2 weeks ago by overdosing and cutting. Now I'm going to be stuck here for like another 2 years.

I'm sick of being fat too...technically I'm a healthy weight but I think I'm fat. I'm recovering from anorexia. I'm 136 lbs and 5"9'...at my lowest I was 88 lbs. Don't want to be that skinny again but want to lose at least 10 lbs. 

I'm so lonely here. Please be my friend someone. I sound pretty needy...sorry.

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Current Location: Dunedin
Current Mood: frustrated frustrated

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 So, I'm doing much better mood wise. Still quite anxious and am struggling with sleep, headaches and light headedness which annoys me because I am eating...much less but I am having something small and with low cal at least 5 times a day.
I'm feeling much better about my body because I've lost 3 kilos in a week and a half. Huge distress caused me to completely lose my appetite while I was stuck in the psych ward in Nelson for a couple of days and losing a kilo in those two days has kept me going to lose more! So now 3 kilos..yay!!! 
I want to be able to function properly though with all the things that I want to do in my life so it's going to be hard losing weight not as fast - meaning I'll have to eat more than the 300 - 400 cals I'm consuming each day at the mo. I'm terrified that I'll lose control and start eating heaps due to barely eating during the last week and a bit. I have my goal of being 49 kilos exactly by the end of Jan though so that'll keep me safe I hope. 
It's easier to eat nothing but then I get really dizzy and can't think at all plus it slows down my already slow metabolism. 
I have a lot that I want to do so 46 - 47 kilos will be okay to stick to...well of course I'd love to be skin and bones but I know that I'll just get really depressed, anxious and made fat again in hospital if I go lower. I will just have to accept how I am at 46-47 kg even if I still think I'm not thin enough.

Anyway it's another beautiful sunny day - too tired to go outside though so I'm just relaxing in my room with the window open - can see the lovely garden etc...

Hope all is well with everyone!!
xxx

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Current Location: Kotuku house, Upper Moutere
Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: Zm radio

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 I almost attempted to cut off my fat - my stomach..just before. I had the knife and then I heard someone coming down the hall. It bought me back and I realised that if I cut my stomach off I'd be cutting my skin off and have a big open area...

I feel so sick. SO fucked up in the head. I feel so alone....all the time but socializing is too hard...it's often more painful..so I keep to myself. But then sometimes I get quite hyper and go chat away to people, say stupid stuff and obviously annoy them. I then return to my room when I realise what a loser I'm being. I sit again on my bed....screaming, crying, all cut up inside...I can't shed a tear...I look like a zombie probably. All I can feel is AGONY but I can't make a sound. I almost feel catatonic. I want to die!!!!! But I know how things change and I always fail...
I just need to go to sleep but I'm too anxious
I hate myself so much. I wish I didn't have anorexic thoughts still...I eat and am FAT...well people can't tell that I have HUGE issues with my body and eating anymore.

I really hope that I die in my sleep tonight. Please angels. Let me be with you in heaven.

Current Location: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Current Mood: suicidal
Current Music: My mind

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 I just want everyone here to SHUT UP!!!!!
In the last 5 minutes, I've had 5 bitchy and unhelpful comments and I didn't do anything to deserve getting them.
All day people say stupid things to me...they don't know me but they assume that they know me really well.
FUCK life, them and FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK PMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

I cut my forearms last night after not cutting since August! I wanted to kill myself so badly and I do right now but I'm too scared that I'll fail and get sent back to the ward and be locked up for life coz the ward makes me worse......
I hate myself inside out. I am finding it SOOO hard to accept that people eat animals ( oh I mean the meat...the euthemism ( sorry cnt spell it ) for it )
I couldn't eat the vegetarian dish that Sharon cooked tonight because it was cooked in the kitchen with the sick block of dead sheep that she was serving up to the animal eaters. The smell of it cooking stunk the whole house out so I knew that the smell would have gotten into the vego dish. Yuck.

Anyway I need to shut up!!!! I need to go to bed but I know I'm going to lie there thinking about suicide....it's a bitch trying to get to sleep. 
Starting a very strict eating plan tomorrow. I seriously need to lose at least 5 kilos VERY fast!!!!
Night huns
xoxo

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

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 I'm so extremely sad. I hate having an eating disorder especially when I actually have to explain to people that I do have one but it isn't obvious anymore from looking at me because my bmi is 16.9 - 17.1  ( depending on if I've had something to drink before I weigh myself ) they look at me like I'm a hypochondriac / trying to get attention for saying that I have an ED. It drives me nuts but then girls who are a healthy weight or a bit bigger like size 14 - 16 say that they would never want to be a stick because they are happy with having a womanly body. It makes me so upset because I feel like they're super judging me or that they are assuming that I am judging them for being bigger than me ( which is absolutely not true...I see people's beauty from the inside ) 
I can't see any beauty in myself but I thought that losing weight could help me look beautiful on the outside...haven't got there yet despite getting to a bmi of 13 and then fed up by control freaks. 
Anyway, I feel suicidal again...despite it going away in the day today. It comes on soo fucking intensely at night. I hate it coz I can't sleep then.
I wish people could stop judging anorexic / bulimic people so much. It is just as horrible as judging an obese person and you going on to them about how you would never want to be "a hippo" ( contrast to "stick" ) as used on anorexics a lot. 
That doesn't happen as much because it's thought of to be sooo nasty to say that to someone who's obese. And true, it is absolutely horrible because they are struggling with obsessive or compulsive eating disorders. But my point is SO are anorexics and bulimics!!! So it bloody hurts like hell when you get judged for saying how badly you want to be really thin because control and losing weight are the main obsessions causing the illness. Obsession with food and or extreme comfort eating are the main obsessions causing obesity.

I don't judge people on what size they are. NEVER!!! I know how horrible it is to struggle with anorexia and can imagine how hard it must be to struggle with obesity. I can't help the fact that I still look in the mirror and see a huge fat girl looking back at me and feel desperate to lose weight. I really try not to think about it and keep eating reasonably well but it's still fucking hard!! Especially when all I want with my body is to be 40 - 38 kg but judgemental people who don't understand the illness think I'm obsessed with myself. I'm not...I just want to feel better about myself...I'm ruled by an eating disorder AND I do fight to overcome it everyday...that's WHY I'm not 38kg...but I suppose the meds I'm on have made me put on weight very fast.

Anyway..getting too upset and don't like thinking about this stuff so I'll stop typing now
Night xox

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Current Location: room
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: ZM ( radio )

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 I'm really really desperate to take the bottle of quetiapine and zopliclone that I've stored up over the last 2 months...by the morning I would be dead. 
I have nothing to look forward to...I'm going down...not up like I'm supposed to plus it doesn't help that the guy I love who's helped me to feel much better is giving me so many mixed messages...I thought that we were going to be in a proper relationship when I returned from Te Whare Mahana...I know he's going through his own hard stuff at the moment but I feel like he's just leading me along...I wish that I didn't feel so strongly about him. It's not just this guy business...it's so much more...to do with my parents. I'm not allowed to ring them. They hang up on me...I feel like I have no one...I really need someone to support me here...to give me a hug and love me. I don't feel loved by my parents...they seem to care about themselves much more. They're the ones that should be doing intense therapy...well really my mum should.
I hate my dad's anger...it's so scary and my mum not ever letting me express negative emotions.
I feel invisible and so alone.
I hate the world and I'm ready to leave.
But most likely I'll fail....I always fail at killing myself no matter how hard I try. 
Sorry to be so negative.
Just need to vent...a lot!
:(
xoxox

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Current Mood: depressed depressed

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 I actually don't know how the hell I am surviving right now.
There is SOOOOO MUCH SHIT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE!!!!
I've been an emotional wreck all week and have so much anxiety and shit going around my mind that I can barely speak in clear sentences
I feel paralysed by my EXTREME intense distress. Can't eat much at all. Eating disorder is affecting this but also I have no appetite coz I feel like I'm dead but my heart still beats so of course I'm alive physically even though I can barely move because I am sooo tired mentally which causes me to feel so tired physically.
I can't keep up with all the pressures here...all the requirements...I constantly feel like I'm a naughty child because I keep getting told things that I haven't done right. Fucking hell at least I'm being SOOOOO strong and not trying to kill myself - let alone NOT even self harming!
I have had a lot to do with the police during the last two weeks...especially since yesterday when I got the most disgusting cruel sickening sexual harassments txts from my rapist basically like being raped again...I've been having so many terrifying flashbacks! They are absolutely HORRIBLE. I leave the world basically and am apparently staring into space and shaking uncontrollably and crying for help but all I can see and feel is when I was raped...it happened 3 times and the time it happened changes in my flashbacks but mainly the first time I was raped haunts me the most.
Can't sleep despite all my sedating meds and of course I have sleeping tablets - don't do shit.
Anyway the police officer from Takaka ( here ) is being very dedicated to trying to help me. He came round before ( Te Whare Mahana ) is next door to the station and told me that police where my rapist lives are going to go round to his house and hopefully deal to him.
There's so much more I could go on about like two new women here who basically think I'm an immature bitch coz they're so judgemental and don't believe that I am actually trying to be nice and help them. I don't know what I did to make them hate me...but they also don't like the other female residents who I am friends with...Sharon and Beckz. 
I think they heard Sharon talking to us about how sick she is of them and their attitudes and us agreeing.
Right, I can't write anymore...my brain is shutting off again

Night lovely people

xoxo

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Current Location: my bitch of a mind
Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: sad music

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 I feel so ANGRY!!! Yes, I'm FINALLY getting the help I need but I feel SO extremely SAD and WORRIED for all those poor mentally people especially with borderline personality disorder who are not getting help, the help they need and definitely NOT being understood. I want to save them all. The word suicide brings up so much sadness and pain for me....pleeeeaasse anyone who reads this and is feeling suicidal, DON'T DO IT!!! I am so lucky to be alive even though I've had so many very serious suicide attempts and of course not died. I know it feels like you're being burnt alive and that the agony won't ever stop but eventually help will come. The help you need. May not tomorrow, maybe next week or maybe not, maybe not for 5 years even but if you search for that inner strength that you don't know exists you will manage to survive. When you feel better some day ( hopefully very soon ) and you can actually enjoy life finally, I know that you will be soooooo grateful that you didn't kill yourself. I can't believe that I almost succeeded a week and a half ago because I have learnt so so much since then about how you CAN keep going no matter how deep in hell you are...it just depends on how strong you are to use your WISE mind and get away as quickly as possible from your evil bitchy emotional mind.

And if I can do it, anyone can because I didn't realise I was strong at all until the weekend when I had returned back to my treatment place and had to use all my skills to avoid doing all the things I can do here. I could go kill myself right now easily if I gave in but I'm sure in hell not going to...ever!!!!!

Love and hugs and a WHOLE LOT of HOPE to all of you who's struggling so much with suicidality.
xoxoxox

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