I actually don't know how the hell I am surviving right now.
There is SOOOOO MUCH SHIT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE!!!!
I've been an emotional wreck all week and have so much anxiety and shit going around my mind that I can barely speak in clear sentences
I feel paralysed by my EXTREME intense distress. Can't eat much at all. Eating disorder is affecting this but also I have no appetite coz I feel like I'm dead but my heart still beats so of course I'm alive physically even though I can barely move because I am sooo tired mentally which causes me to feel so tired physically.
I can't keep up with all the pressures here...all the requirements...I constantly feel like I'm a naughty child because I keep getting told things that I haven't done right. Fucking hell at least I'm being SOOOOO strong and not trying to kill myself - let alone NOT even self harming!
I have had a lot to do with the police during the last two weeks...especially since yesterday when I got the most disgusting cruel sickening sexual harassments txts from my rapist basically like being raped again...I've been having so many terrifying flashbacks! They are absolutely HORRIBLE. I leave the world basically and am apparently staring into space and shaking uncontrollably and crying for help but all I can see and feel is when I was raped...it happened 3 times and the time it happened changes in my flashbacks but mainly the first time I was raped haunts me the most.
Can't sleep despite all my sedating meds and of course I have sleeping tablets - don't do shit.
Anyway the police officer from Takaka ( here ) is being very dedicated to trying to help me. He came round before ( Te Whare Mahana ) is next door to the station and told me that police where my rapist lives are going to go round to his house and hopefully deal to him.
There's so much more I could go on about like two new women here who basically think I'm an immature bitch coz they're so judgemental and don't believe that I am actually trying to be nice and help them. I don't know what I did to make them hate me...but they also don't like the other female residents who I am friends with...Sharon and Beckz.
I think they heard Sharon talking to us about how sick she is of them and their attitudes and us agreeing.
Right, I can't write anymore...my brain is shutting off again
Night lovely people
Tags: anxiety, distress, eating disorder, flashbacks, harassment, other residents, police, rapes
Current Location: my bitch of a mind
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: sad music