Fuck life
Fuck those people who say or think I'm worthless
I know I am but they don't need to say it or make me feel it more by their actions
e.g. My therapist here at the hospital just said that she would come with me to tell the nurses on this evening how suicidal I'm feeling. We get into the office and she said "Oh I just wanted to have a private chat first, Carly" So I go to room and continue my crying from the session we'd just had waiting for either her or one of the nurses to come and talk to me briefly after they'd talked. I waited 45 minutes and then heard that it was ward cup of tea time at 4.45 so I cleaned up my face and went in a bit late only to be greeted with disapproving looks. It's been 30 mins since that group ended and none of the nurses have said anything to me about how bad I'm feeling. In that group we all get a chance to say how we're feeling so I told the group how I unsafe I felt and possibly suicidal. It's just 3 wks now that I was caught hanging from a tree and as some of you know I was in a 10 day coma at the end of April til start of May this year with 20 % chance of living.
BUT still it seems like they don't give a fuck about my safety. Those attempts were obviously very serious and I was just 'lucky' I suppose that a nurse found before it was too late in the middle of some bushes up the road. I thought I was pretty well hidden and hard to find which I was at first. It took me a while to find those trees that I could not be seen from the road in.
Anyway life is HORRIBLE
The end
:(

Current Mood: distressed

I'm just writing this as a final good bye to all my lovely friends on LJ
Thanks for supporting me so much
I don't know you but I love you all. I really hope u dnt end up like me
I'm planning to kill myself tonight.
I know it looks like I'm writing this to get attention but I am NOT
I am so fucking serious bout dying....it better work this time
I'm sorry x 99999999
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Current Mood: depressed

Life is so hard. HARD HARD HARD. I've planned my suicide for July 1st but if I reach my GW by then and I'm happy then I'll live....for a bit longer
It sucks coz I tell a few people like nurses at the hospital that I have a plan and they don't take me seriously...they're just like oh ok and walk off
it's coz I'm worth as much as shit...I'm NOTHING
well actually I wish I was nothing lol like really thin but I'm a huge suicidal fatty
kill me god please pleeaaasse!!!!!!

Current Mood: depressed

all I can say is I am disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: angry

I feel so gross
I've lost weight recently but I look fatter
Stupid scales! They're probably lying to me
I'm so over life

Current Mood: distressed

I will be at least 115 lbs by the 8th of December.
I must be 115 lbs.
Weight now: 124

9 lbs to go!!!

Current Mood: determined

 Plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast: Protein smoothie

Snack: Carrot

Lunch: Apple

Snack: Weight watchers tomato soup

Dinner: Whatever I'm made to eat but I will try purge it

Snack: Weight watchers hot chocolate with water

I WILL stick to this
I WILL be thin
Food makes you fat
Fat is gross
I want to fade away altogether

Current Mood: full

 I'm having an okish day today. I feel disgustingly fat though and sick. I had a muffin and a spirilina drink for lunch coz I was out with my mum and she made me have something. Don't think I'll eat for the rest of the day but then I don't want to slow down my metabolism. 

I'm not so depressed today which is great coz the past few days I have been awful. Maybe it's the sunny weather today :)

Current Mood: sick

 Sounds dramatic I know but I feel like I'm dying from depression. It hurts SO much and inside I'm screaming for some kind of pain relief. I usually cut when I feel like this but even that wouldn't help now. 
Anyway I'm going to bed. Bed is safe.

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: depressed

I know this sounds really depressing but at the moment I've come to realise that I need to make an important decision: To live or to die. I have felt suicidal on and off for the last year but have felt suicidal everyday for the last month and a half. I tried to kill myself a month ago but chickened out when I had overdosed and rang the hospital. I know that if I choose to live I will have to start fighting harder against depression and anorexia. I suppose I am trying my hardest to fight but I know that if I let myself get treatment for ana then I would be helping myself more. But I would be fat if they treated me so that's why I can't keep going on like this. I can if I'm going to die soon but I can't if I'm going to live a life where I will have a family etc. If I live I might not be able to have kids if I keep losing weight, I will screw up my fast metabolism and have scars from the cutting. 
Perhaps I will live because I know I'm too scared of killing myself and I know it would hurt my family too much. But I know that I won't enjoy living and that I'm not near to escaping this hell of mental illnesses. 
I always ask..why? WHY did this have to happen? I'm a good person so why the fuck do I have to go through this unbearable pain??! Of course then my stupid voice in my head says stop being so selfish bitch..you deserve to feel like this you ugly loser. 
I wish I could cry. Strange to say it but I miss it so much coz it helped refresh me. I haven't really been able to cry much since going on anti-depressants. I think they make me fat too. 
Anyway time for bed. I hate going to bed coz there I have no distractions. It's so scary. Life is so scary. Kill me now!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: depressed